I find this time of year to be about reflections and remembering...
When we look back at important stepping stones in our time line, whether it be a year or a decade, we honor the people, places and moments that have shaped our path.
It is really only after seeing this bigger picture that the next stepping stones show up for us.
This past year has been nothing but challenging. I have been angrier than ever before, I have felt heartbreak over and over again and allowed a deep well of grief to overcome me- for my marriage falling apart, for loosing a best friend, for betraying myself, for the ways my family structure hurt my inner child, for the raging forest fires, for the depleted ecosystems in my backyard, for the times when I thought there was no hope.
And yet, I am learning to love again. From a place of resource.
And love does not look the same as it used to. Love is becoming a sanctuary that lives in my womb, love is a split second urge to hold out my hand and to be received, love is holding my child's heart as he grieves the loss of his parent's union, love is the blue jay alarming loudly letting the basket of trees know a barred owl has overstepped a boundary, love is giving and receiving boundaries, love is believing in myself.
Ten years ago, I embarked on my first weekend retreat in a yurt. A few weeks later, I was in Peru undergoing a brand new shamanic activation. I was in love with the man I share a child with and life was kind and abundant. And, I didn't know that I would be facing the darkest and most tender parts of my childhood down the line. I didn't know that I would see shame in most of my actions and words, I didn't know that I was so resistant to joy, I didn't know that my deepest longing is to have connection, big connection.
As I move into a new home- again- I am reminded that all life must deconstruct and decompose before it can be turned into rich soil, fertile for new life. If there is one thing I know for myself now, is that I am not alone in this and I cannot stand alone in it. I know that life is even more kind and abundant today for the depth with which I am capable of experiencing all of lifespan's turmoils and joys is ten-fold what it was when I attended that retreat in the yurt.
The stones that I have picked up and let go in streams and lakes, the fires I have started and extinguished, the songs I have learned and forgotten, the people I have touched and hurt- they are all in love and in service of my soul's purpose.
I am most grateful to the angels of support who have guided me through this past year. In moments of panic, not knowing where to go, and in submerging myself in the grace of night time songs and sharing, the right people showed up exactly when I needed. Most of all, this has been a year of learning to trust, to trust that my ancestors and spirit are supporting me, to trust that humans are well meaning, and to trust that I can stand on my own two feet and lead from my heart.