The wound is the place where the Light enters you. -Jalaluddin Rumi
Most of life, I have felt unworthy of taking up space on this Earth, of being heard, of being loved and being who I am. Part of me always felt like others were better than I, that something was wrong with me and that I was not perfect enough. Last year, I made a commitment to practice self-love and to observe the parts of myself that are most hurt and wounded. Through this painful process, depression, anxiety and anger have surfaced many times but I have also sensed a profound re-arrangment of my being, a much more gentle and compassionate attitude towards myself.
Becoming a leader in different capacities has certainly been a large part of this healing. The thing is, I am not naturally inclined to lead, I find it so much easier to follow in the footsteps of others because I think that I could not possibly do it the same or better. Diving deep into the courage to step out of that shell of low self-esteem and finding the places that hurt the most inside have been key to unleashing a very strong core sense of autonomy and inner strength.
With the help of others and certain tools such as breathwork, writing, different types of bodywork , ritual gatherings, working with friction fire and more, I am uncovering the layers of dynamic patterns I engage in with myself and the people I love. This is scary, as life can appear to fall apart at the seams. But after the destruction, a renewed sense of peace and calm can be built. And it is this longing to connect to myself, to really know and accept all parts of ME that has brought me into leadership roles.
This cannot be done without vulnerability. The root of the word "vulnerare" means to hurt, to wound or injure. Becoming aware and radically accepting yourself for who you are sometimes requires you to treat these wounds with forgiveness and compassion. I believe we can do so by becoming our own leaders of our own hearts. By being willing to love all the ugly, nasty and scary aspects of who we are (as well as the beautiful, fun and shining), we acknowledge that we are multi faceted and ever changing beings and that its okay to fall and fail, just as much as its okay to shine bright. And so its our responsibility to alchemize those wounds and turn them into light.
May we lead ourselves into love and let our lives play out as one great ceremony.